GRIEF AND A FINDING A NEW NORMAL

GRIEF AND FINDING A NEW NORMAL

It’s been 5 months since I said goodbye to my furry soulmate. In some ways, it seems like he has been gone much longer and in others, much less. When Mr. Piggy died a part of my heart did too. Many people told me the pain would never go away and I remember vividly thinking, “you are kidding, right?!” Then they would go on saying that it wouldn’t be as intense, but it would still be there. At the time I couldn’t believe I would have to live my life in that much pain because it hurt really bad…I mean REALLY bad! I read that pain would go in waves and that couldn’t be more true in my case. After two weeks I started to feel a little better and wasn’t crying every single day. I was really proud of myself and then a week later I fell back into a deep sadness again.

Grief is complex. One thing I know for sure is it sucks. But, it’s the price we pay for loving something so deeply and for that, I’m willing to go through it. I do wonder how long these waves of sadness will last but I’m accepting it may be forever. Everyone handles grief differently and I’ve definitely made some mistakes and some progress. I wanted to share some of my battles in hopes of helping others who might be feeling something similar. I want to preface this by sharing how much I miss my sweet Mr. Piggy. The grief was extremely intense and at times unbearable. I somehow convinced myself that adopting another cat would solve my problems weeks after Mr. Piggy died. I was afraid of forgetting what having a cat would be like. A part of me needed to find a cat just like Mr. Piggy. A good friend of mine had a litter of kittens so went over to meet them and fell in love. I mulled it over the course of the week and planned to attend the adoption event where long story, short…I ended up with a pair of kittens. I’m going to be honest, I felt overwhelmed as soon as we got home with them. I almost instantly regretted my decision but knew I needed to give it time. The next 3 weeks were full of highs and lows… mostly lows. I cried a lot. I felt crazy. It didn’t feel right. Nothing felt normal. Going from a geriatric cat to a pair of high energy kittens was insane. After three very long weeks I made the unbearable decision to return the kittens. As an active volunteer in the rescue/shelter world this came with a LOT of shame. I felt I would be judged. I felt like I failed the kittens. I failed the shelter. I let down my friend. Now, I was grieving Mr. Piggy AND the guilt of failing with the kittens. I wasn’t ready to love another cat. This was really hard to accept and it hurt. (I am happy to report that both cats found homes soon after they were returned them)

After life returned to a level of normalcy again I took some time to honor my cat and find peace. I printed out four of my favorite pictures of him and created a gallery in our foyer. I love looking at him every day and being reminded of how handsome and loving he was.

I ordered a pendant made from his ashes that I wear close to my heart. All these actions have helped bring peace and comfort. I needed to accept my new normal before I could open my heart to another cat again. The waves of sadness improved. My mental status improved. I could talk about him without crying every single time. I actually started smiling instead of crying looking through all his pictures or talking about him to friends and family. Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts a lot and the waves of sadness are still there but it isn’t as intense or as frequent. One thing I have learned is that we all have our own story. We are unique in how we handle grief. We all have to decide when it is the right time to open our hearts and love again. The wound to my heart is always there…the scar is a proud symbol of the love I lost but so fortunate to have had.

Fast forward a few months.. I was really nervous to even start looking for a cat again. I was afraid that I would get home and regret it AGAIN. How do I know I am ready? How is this time different? I decided I wanted to foster before adopting and it was the BEST decision I made. I didn’t feel the pressure that it HAD to work. I brought Charlie home and despite taking a few weeks to adjust, it was a seamless transition! I didn’t cry every day. I actually looked forward to coming home and seeing him! It was easy! It felt right! I am so thankful for this little guy. He has brought back so much light into my life. He is full of energy but also so sweet and loving. He is my little shadow and such a good boy. He is not Mr. Piggy. I know he had big paws to fill but what I love about him is that he is different. He has his own personality..and I love them both. Here is to a new chapter with Charlie….

Grief is hard to go through alone. I am thankful that I had such an outpouring of love and support from my friends and family. Don’t be afraid to reach out because sometimes people want to be there but don’t know how. Here are just a few of my favorite words of wisdom that carried me through some very dark times:

“So much of me is made of what I learned from you, you’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart.”

“Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

“For the rest of my life I will search for moments full of you.”

“Grief is the last act of love we can give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief there was great love.”

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

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Here are a few snapshots of my funny, ornery and charismatic kitty, Charlie.